Brave, But Still Scared AF

'What doesn't kill you...' and other tropes. Plus, JLD, carpool karaoke, and WOW chips.

Suddenly, there was the fog. Or, more precisely, the marine layer. This is what they call the low-looming, cloud-like airmass that hovers above the land on the central California coast. There I am on Highway One traveling north from Carmel to SF, gripping the steering wheel like a baby grips long hair, and suddenly I am enveloped. Driving over what appears to be a bridge, it’s as if I am heading beyond the Pearly Gates, but I can’t see any gates or any pearls. Just white.

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Knees wobbly, hands clammy, I assessed the trail before me. This was no diverging path, Robert Frost. Only one route and that route was down. But do I go left on the grassy edge, around the rocks, or step on them for more traction? I do think it’d make a world of a difference…. And what was it again for optimal balance: pressure on the ball of the foot or the heel? I recall it being the ball, despite that feeling like I’m just going to somersault down, down, down. And if I were to somersault down, down, down, it’d be into the Pacific, which is currently cresting into the cliff to my right.

**

The two scenarios above happened over the last week, and there were several others in between that also gave me anxiety. Despite how brave I may appear to those who aren’t my mother, sister, or, essentially, anyone in my inner orbit who knows about my pre-adventure jitters, I am often overwhelmed by uncertainty and fear each time I set out to do something outside my comfort zone—which is often!—especially if it involves a car. I’m not sure why. I have (thankfully) never been in a major car accident as a passenger or driver. I guess I’m just a city girl accustomed to relying on public transport, a bike, or her own two feet. And yet, I also get paralyzed by panic each time I set off on a hike. (Though, this is probably because I have a habit of losing my way in unchartered territory…)

Taken from the backseat of someone else’s car, cause who can capture all that beauty while behind the wheel, facing the FEAR?!

Still, I continue to do it. I push myself and I fret. I fret and I push myself. How is it possible to be surrounded by so much natural beauty, but also be overcome with the ugliness of such unease? Why the F can’t I trust myself more and avoid all the damn doubt and apprehension? I have not become the subject of an Unsolved Mysteries episode. (Say it to yourself, Sara: You will not become the subject of an Unsolved Mysteries episode. Is that show even still on?) The experiences I had over the last week alone—biking over the Golden Gate to Sausalito, driving north to Napa, hiking 8 miles in the Marin headlands, driving south to Carmel—are all proof I can, as Nike claims, just do it. (Coincidentally, the ’90s skate brand “No Fear” was responsible for my not pursuing snowboarding after one too many trips up the mountain resulting in bangs, bruises, and a sprained wrist. So I guess I do know my limits?)

But I digress.

Yesterday—or was it Wednesday? I have lost track of time, but I do know I’m over halfway through my “Spring Sojourn in San Francisco”—while en route to Carmel to visit family-friends, white-knuckling in on a two-lane, twisty road through towering Redwoods, I listened to a podcast with Julia Louis-Dreyfus and food writer Ruth Reichl. In discussing life, aging, and publishing her restaurant reviews, some of which could be harsh, Ruth said:

The things that frighten you, are the things you have to do. When something really scares you, you know you have to do it.

And:

The only thing that keeps you young, is constantly doing things you don’t know how to do. If you spend your whole life doing things you already know how to do, you get old fast.

Thank you for boosting my spirits while trembling in the driver’s seat of a borrowed 2023 Mazda, Ruth! Of course, this is not a new concept. Eleanor Roosevelt said as much, way back when, and today the likes of Kelly Clarkson and Sara Bareilles belt out versions of it.

But the crazy thing is, these quotes, tales, and songs are not what pushed me to be who I am or live the way I do. And I don’t mean fearful. I mean brave—which, like saying I’m a “travel writer,” still feels weird to say/write. (Can you even be both brave and scared?) It was me. I did it. Though, I suppose some credit goes to my parents who made me stick it out at the two-week sleepaway camp, encouraged me to go on a European teen tour without knowing anyone, and then venture halfway across the world to backpack in Australia post-college. They believed. And so I believed…but always with a side of butterflies in the stomach.

The thing is, you have one new, wild, and intimidating experience and survive, and it begets another new, wild, and intimidating experience, which begets another and another until there you are, living in Paris for eight years, and then checking out San Francisco for two months, and then renting cars to drive north and south for a day, and using your own two feet to not get lost in the woods or fall off a cliff.

Maybe the angst is there to keep me in check. To remind me to pay attention. To appreciate the good, the bad, the fog, the sun, the uphill, and the downhill. Rarely in the left lane, too fast and assured, nor in the right lane while others whip past. There in the middle, coasting at the only speed limit worth observing: my own.

Bon week-end, mes amies. xx — Sara

PS. On Tuesday I’ll be sending a Paris/San Francisco swap recap to paid subscribers, so get on that list if you want the rundown!

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Clickable

• It’s not cop code: The real origin of 420. | SFist

• Speaking of, for cannabis sales, packaging sells. | The New Yorker

• The band of brothers (and sisters) busking in NYC. | The Cut

• What Taylor Swift’s sartorial choices say about reinvention. | NY Times

• People are now scalping dinner reservations. | Grub Street

• TL;DR “The is a circular robot vacuum.” | Slate

• What a coincidence! (Or not?) | The Guardian 

• A deep dive into the It Girl. | The Cut

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Watchable

Non-dairy milk enthusiasts are in an uproar over Aubrey Plaza’s participation in this fake ad for Wood Milk, which I find quite hilarious. Now, I am not a huge dairy milk drinker to begin with, but in a bowl of cereal, or a cold brew, gimme the moo, please!

I love this final carpool karaoke so much, not just because of the singing, but mostly because of the honesty that James Corden and Adele exhibited while shooting it. You can see how legitimately close they are as friends and I appreciate that they allow themselves to get choked up, and go deep, but also poke fun and still have a laugh. That’s always the best way, I think. Whether or not he’s the asshole people say he is, this video shows he’s human and I’m rooting for him in his next chapter.

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Listenable

I’ve never been a huge Julia Louis-Dreyfus fan. Not that I dislike her, per se. I just didn’t necessarily have an opinion one way or another because I didn’t watch Seinfeld religiously (I know, I know) nor did I watch Veep. But I LOVE her as herself in this new venture, a podcast called “Wiser Than Me” where she interviews older women wise beyond her years. The Jane Fonda episode is terrific, but Ruth Reichl’s wisdom really hit home.

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Currently Overthinking…

…which route to take from SF to Carmel and back and what to pack for the mere 24-hour road trip…

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Souvenir: WOW Chips

This week’s souvenir is sponsored by Charli who, while discussing how fucked up ’90s diet culture was with friends, recalled these chips made with olestra that caused some pretty inconvenient digestion issues. “They were actually terrible,” she says, “but pretty sure I ate them.”